Wednesday, October 9, 2013

The Devil be damned!

I had a hard day of dealing with myself yesterday --one of the hardest in years.   But, in the end, I have overcome it and I mean it.  The Bible says "Overcome evil with good".   And the Devil has a continuous fight on his hands but I don't intend to lose...not an inch.   I have come too far to drift back into the world of hate and so have the rest of us.   So do your worse, and every day I win, the world will know you didn't keep me down!  My neck is now so strong that it is easy to raise above the venom of hate and anger.  I will hold my head high and walk thru this.   For this, too, shall pass!

In my life, when I got too many blessings, the devil would show up and knock my knees out from under me and I foolishly thought that I had it coming in some way.   Other people might say there is no real devil;  one day they will meet him and they will know differently.    At Joker's funeral, I was so elated about the service, Bill coming to help us all, the family making some peace steps and remembering who we are and were, and how blessed we have been and are.  I sat with Susan and I wanted to go over and just take her in my arms and tell her non-stop how much she means to me  --"Mousie", as Daddy called her!   Pam and Jamee could hardly contain themselves about everything --nor could Leigh....or Mark or Britt or Brad.   Family wraps itself around you and you can''t get out of the drapery.   I have missed the hold of that drapery.

I even had the pleasure of a man coming up in line who I had worked with before and he told me that he wanted to tell me first, that our mutual friend had died and the University would get about four million dollars.  But, because he wanted to tell me first, none of the University knew.  That might not mean much to anyone else but hell's Bells, I am a fund-raiser.  And it meant something to call the office and give them that bit of unexpected news.  And Jim Kellett, I think, saying:  "You can raise big money at a funeral for your relatives."

But then the ball dropped the next day with a thud which took into the night for me to grapple with.   I learned thate there was someone out there who had written a book on a vanity press who was planning to come in and have a big autograph party.   My friend who called me said that I had suffered too much and come too far and then, this would drudge it all up again, and I would  be forced to remember and live through the pain.   All day long, I was in a state of emotional panic.   I went through all kinds of tests at the hospital (because it was already scheduled) and then I went by the Mortuary to see Shelby Shell and express my sympathy to these wonderful alumni friends (because they were always there for me).   And I came home and I dealt with this.   During the night I got out of bed and announced to the room that NO book, remark, bad memory or vanity press could change where I am as an individual, family member or friend.   I am like my mother:   You mess with me and you will hurt yourself.   I'm done with this matter!


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