Remembering Lynn on her birthday!

Quote for today

When in doubt about what to do, be loving!   

Elizabeth Lesser

Bad day at ok corral

Wow!  What a headache I had yesterday!  Took everything I could find until I felt no more pain and even put a heating pad on my head!  Had to be because of weather pressure!  And no sleep night before!

Better this morning!  And it's sunny outside!  Woo Hoo!

Rain, rain go away!

How much rain can come down in a night!  Slept downstairs and hoped it would be over when I awakened!  Still stormy skies!

A circle of friends

What would I do without my friends who constantly surround me with loyalty and love?  I honestly don't know!  They are daily out there and all it takes is a phone call for them to come!  Last night was a perfect example ..bad day, if I had given in to the emotions, Judy Brown called and we headed for Glenn House soirée and Evelyn Boardman called and we went to get coke!

I can take the family crap because my friends point out that crap is crap wherever it happens and kindness belongs at home!   Heather pointed out this yesterday about an incident:  jerks are jerks wherever they are!  We all deal with them everyday!   So, I am concentrating on being there where I am needed and wanted!  And the rest can go on in their own way!  Here's to you, Mama and Daddy!  We have made such a mess of your words,"I like my people to get along!"

Some situations stare you in the face..

And you wonder if you should or could have handled them differently or if you made them worse because of decisions you made at the time!  The truth is what is done is done and can't be undone!  I will never know the answers!  So I have to choose from the results and live with what I can live with!

You can go home again but someone has to invite you in!

Nieces and nephews and treasures

When I was growing up, I was the youngest of 8 children so I have had nieces and nephews for as long as I could remember!  And I was close to all of them!   So in a flurry of house cleaning/purging, I was thrilled to find this picture of Leigh Hearnes and me!  She did not like cameras or "new" people!  

And her grandmother protected her from the world and from big kids who tried to run over her!   I love this picture!

Getting through these days..

I think I am retired and then, at the end of the day, I look at my schedule.  Yesterday, I had four people here working on projects:   Mark, Kathleen, Dan and Gene.   Gene did the yard, Dan put in a blind in the bathroom, Kathleen cleaned the house and got the groceries and Mark went through all my electronics and bagged them and labeled them.   I went out to eat with Mike Richey.  Matt came to pick up some stuff I was giving to BSC .  And I was on the telephone to:  Sara, Betty, Julia, Annie, Mark, Bailey and Tina.

Annie needs my support.   Jennie is in hospice program and Mike Finnegan is going on hospice this week.  She works full time and Holly is at home.   So I try to be there for her, and her friends who are also calling.

Debbie will be here soon to do my hair and then I am going to lunch with Allie from History Dept.   Karel is coming to work in the yard also.   My yard looks great because of her and my continued purging makes my house look neat and clean.   I find a sense of comfort in doing something constructive each day.   I wish that things had been easier between Jennie and me in the last year but she made the rules and I lived with them.  It was just easier that way!

  Holly and me on 13th birthday

Watching from close up!

My sister, Jennie, is far from being well and hospice has been called in.  It is a wonderful service for it allows the family to watch from close up.  Decisions have to be made but those decisions are made with close consultation to all involved.   The emotional ties can be less stressful in the negotiations for these decisions.  Families, even close ones, can become frayed and dissonant and hard to bear.  So we press on and try to put some pieces together and let the others just stand, broken and unforgiving.

I don't know who put this organization together but it is a wonderful help to a frazzled family.   One of my friends is going through the same experience and she shouts her praises to the rooftop.  So I give thanks this morning for the people who work with the patients at Hospice.  They are God's hands on this earth!

Giving and getting

I am getting old and I feel it in my bones and my attitude!  I keep looking at things in my house and keep thinking of people who can use these things!  Yesterday Matt Porter came over from BSC and I loaded his truck up with kitchen supplies!  They will not want for cake pans for years to come!  And I won't miss them ..I haven't baked a cake in years!

But I'm not buying stuff like that anymore and even though it is Earth Day, I would rather give to someone than put it in a recycle bin!  And why would I want more junk or even clothes!  I have even weaned myself off Qvc!

Raster is still Easter!

I woke up Easter morning and felt my stomach churning!  I tried to avoid it and carried on!  Then I started running for the bathroom and the knowledge that my Easter was ruined!  Poor me!  I began feeling sorry for myself and then my niece came to deliver a fruit basket I had ordered for my sister! 

In a few minutes, she called me and told me how much she appreciated it!  Normally that would not be a big deal but circumstances had made it a big deal!  It was a wonderful Easter!

Happy Easter to all!

I was working on a possibility of an entry today and even had the illustration and the subject picked out.  It was on R. S. Thomas, the poet of the cross, who was mostly interested in God's silences, "the deus absconditus" or "the hidden God" and what that means for forging an identity in a modern world.  I liked his quote, "Our duty is to testify bravely to the existence of God in a time when our dwelling place is in the desert."  It is a fascinating subject and I will get back to it.

But right now, late at night, I have an emergency call.   My nieces's ex-husband has been taken to the hospital and my niece wants me there when her children are briefed on his condition.  So I go, and I pray with them, no hidden God, we call on him to come to us and surround us with his comfort.  The last thing I want, for all of them, and even for me, is a hidden God.   Knock softly, but knock!

The Culture of Guilt

My attention has been focused on the ferry which went down this week in South Korea with 475 passengers aboard, including a big group of children on a field trip.   Agony exists all over and pain hovers relentlessly over the survivors.  They have found 179 survivors and are trying to get past the debris into the 4th level guest rooms to see if some have found air pockets of shelter.  The errant captain has been arrested for, among other things, abandoning the vessel.

My attention piqued when I heard a Japanese woman make the statement:  "We live in a culture of guilt".  What does that mean?   Yes, I am a parent and I know about 'guilt trips'".   But I searched for more about this.  Is this a cultural stigma?  I read that shame and guilt are two basic cultural reactions to criticism and misfortune and wrong-doing.  It is almost in-bred culturally.

Then I heard the sad news that the vice-principal of the high school whose students were on the trip with him had hanged himself on a tree --remorseful in his guilt that he could not save all of his students.

And I was sorry for his guilt and pain!

Good Friday!

When I was a child in Charleston, we would go every Good Friday to the Methodist Church and listen to seven preachers each take one word and do one 30 minute segment.  I would cringe when Daddy would be assigned the word, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me!"   It, to me, showed that even Jesus lost hope for a few hours when darkness covered the land.  But, I have learned to care about that  word from the cross, more and more, as I age and as bad times have hit me in the stomach.

So why has the word--tough love--
endeared itself to me!  I don't think for a minute that Christ thought that God was abandoning him for all time and I don't think he lost his faith in his mission for a minute.   He thought back to the words he remembered from the Scripture --Psalm 22:1--and he said it to himself when he was feeling the intensity of pain and loneliness on that Cross.   And it gave him the courage to bear another minute of the long hours.

I understand the words.  I sense his humanity in the saying.

The Blue Fin Sub

I won't believe it until I see the end results!   I am worn out with this search for the bodies of the Malaysian flight disaster.  How much time and money will be given to the search which seems to be a foregone conclusion!  Now they are using a remote-controlled submersible to search an endless amount of Indian Ocean.   They could eradicate a disease for humankind with the money they are spending to tell the world where they went down and whether the pilot was responsible!  And, for these tortured families, they are keeping them from moving ahead in their lives and accepting the terrible reality!

One of those in charge made the dubious statement:  "It may be very difficult to find something, and you don't know how good any lead is until you get your eyes on the wreckage."   Duh!  How long do we search an entire ocean?

It should teach us that there is a time to move on.  There is a time to depend upon your own ingenuity and not hold to false hopes and dreams, no matter how unpleasant it is to allow the reality of it all to set in. 

So, pack up the Blue Fin,  help the surviving find a way back home or a new home, and let's move on and give the perished a sea of peace.

Eureka Moments

I get tired of looking at old people.  First, because I see one every morning when I look into the mirror and second, because I remember people as they used to be --vibrant and alive!  So I am resolved on this Holy Week to change my mind and style.  First, I am going to glance at the person, and when I decide, if the person is well enough to take such scrutiny, I am moving on to conversation.  Age is here for a reason--God is giving me the day to do something-Am I doing anything but taking up space this day?

Maya Angelou says:
"Everybody born comes from the Creator trailing wisps of glory.  We come from the Creator with creativity. I think each one of us is born with creativity."

So, what do I do with this creativity when I am taxed to remember if I used the wrong credit card to pay my water bill?   Or if I find myself interrupted by people finishing my sentences?  Or if I have to ask someone who someone else is when I have been that people-identifier for hundreds of others?

My mind is still uniquely mine.  As someone wrote, "Because everyone's mind is wired differently, innovation has many springboards."   So, today, in the middle of Holy Week, I am going to search for a springboard for THIS day!   Tomorrow will take care of itself.   And I'm staying away from the mirror!

The Issue of "Blood Libel"

I was stunned to see the story of the latest killing  --which involved people of Overland Park and a Missouri Jew-hater killer from Aurora, Missouri, who made no secret of his hatred, over the years, of anyone who was not white and fit in with his idea of "perfection".  He certainly does not fit in with my idea of perfection.

He killed three people--for no reason.  They were not Jewish, even.   Who gave him the right to take another person's life!  Did they think that this man would suddenly emerge into society and take his rightful place?    But after I got through my rage, I listened to commentators and guests talk about the "Blood Libel" issue!  I was appalled --people have talked and painted pictures of the fact that they think that Jews took Christian children (and now Muslim are included), killed them, took their blood and used it for their ceremonies.  

And, now, us Christians and Muslims have a reason to seek retribution!   Really, I looked this up!  When you want to do evil, you can find reasons --even when they have no bearing on reality!  I heard Alan Dershowitz talk about this and Anti-Semitics yesterday and he said, "It (Hatred) is a disease of the soul."
There are some people who are eaten up with anger!  I saw it in this man's face and demeanor as he was put in the back of a cop car yesterday after killing three innocent people!

Piano praise concert

Joan Gohn, Judy Brown and I went down to praise Concert in charleston and was it good!  Wow!  Betty Hearnes, my sister, was splendiferous!   And so were all the pianists!  What talent!  Bev Reece and Tim Depriest also came in to play but they have Charleston connections!

It was a joy!

Passover Sunday

I will write in choppy bits today!  Am going to Lynwood baptist with Lucas Presson today!  He is playing the offertory today and wants me to hear it! 

Then I'm going with Joan Gohn and Judy Brown to hear the Piano Praise Concert in Charleston which will be directed by Betty Hearnes!   So I will be snippetting along the way!

Back from the church at  cape!  Wonderful music, Lucas Presson!

When death creeps in...

Last night Heather Minton and I went to Art Museum together.  She works for me still  when I need her and she has since she was a student.  I had just had a call from ADT about my security system, about Itok having a cleaning program on my computer (none of which i understood) complicated by a phone call from my niece, Annie, telling me about her mother and her condition and I was dazed by it all and told Heather that she had to solve all my problems and then go with me to the museum opening.  We did all this.

While we were waiting to get into the Museum, she got the text message that said that the hospice people thought her mother's long-time friend, Dean, would not make it for 24 hours.  And we talked about hospice and its value and taking care of people who were dying and how weary it is.   Somehow, we got through the museum opening and Heather got Itok on line and dealt with them and then she got ADT on the line and we could not deal with them so we scheduled them for Tuesday.  And Heather left...I gave her extra money because we had shared our fears and weariness together and come through the evening in some kind of fashion...together.  Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ, that is what it says in the Bible.

Today, she sent me this picture and told me that Dean had died early this morning.  Heather, thanks for your kindness and concern.  I will be praying for all of you.

Reframing your life!

Recently I went out to eat with a friend of mine who has been going through a terrible time with his siblings after the death of a parent and alienations which run deep.   I laughed and told him that he was not in the minority of people I know because these decisions cause rifts.

I told him about a book which had helped me by Charles Klein.  He gave an example that said that no two people in a family see things exactly the same.   One saw his father's life as a man of good intentions, who just never got around to putting things in priority the way the sons wanted it to be prioritized.  The truth is, for me, that each of us can choose what to remember.   Maybe the secret of reconciliation is knowing what to include in the picture and what to cut out.   I learned that this selection belonged only to me.

  Klein says, "From my discussions with people who have been able to forgive,  it is apparent that one of the important steps on the way to reconciliation is a process therapists call reframing.

I want to remember what I want to remember as I frame the picture.   To remember the bad (which happens to all of us) is to limit the picture of the joys that I have had in living my 75 years.  

Evil exists. Live with it! Or Die.

I opened the newspaper today to read of the execution date for Russell Bucklew of May 21.  He was a Cape Girardeau man who murdered his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend 16 years ago.  The prosecutor said that "I've always said that Russell Bucklew was the most evil person I've ever prosecuted."   Then two pages over, I read about a 16 year old boy, Alex Hribal, who attacked 22 people yesterday at Pittsburgh-area school.  Someone said that the attacker "had the same expression on his face that he has every day, which was the freakiest part.".

Yes, evil abounds and you never know where it will show up next.   So we live with it and try to spot it headon and we try to get people help.  But we fail.  We failed 16 years ago and we will fail 16 years from now.   And we try to keep our own little world safe by adding alarms and locks and security of all sorts.   But safety eludes us sometimes and sometimes keeps us from trying to do our part in making the world a better place to live.  It creeps up into your mental processes!

See, my ADT sign!

Waiting for paydirt to hit today!

I have a lot of irons in the fire today and I am waiting for something to strike.  Sometimes I do that and it always works.  When nothing happens, I can watch television all day!  Hey, not half bado!

And it worked!   Almost immediately Terry Begley, my CPA, called and said my tax forms were ready to sign.  There are some great rewards for doing some good deeds and making a poor business deal in order to help some people who did not have a place to live.  In the end, it helped me big time....and so did the donations!!!!!

So, I love you Terry, for your sage advice and counsel.   Otherwise I would look like this.

The sense of shattering...

Yesterday, I went to First Baptist Church on Lexington to pay my respects at the death of Bill Richardson.  As I entered the awkward building, with my awkward feelings, I stopped to look at the vestibule which was even more awkward.  You see, I never feel any comfortability in the church.  First Baptist on Broadway was where I left my heart for First Baptist and it evolved into an Alumni Center for me mentally.  So I remain lost and awkward about First Baptist and where it fits in in my mind.   When the church split and sold the building, it shattered me mentally and I choose to remain shattered because, try as I might, the pieces cannot be put back together for me.  

But I love people who remained there;  I love people who moved to a different church and I love people who choose to go no where.   And that includes Bill and June Richardson, who were a steadying force.  It is difficult to understand that sense of shattering unless one has been shattered.   And I was going through a terrible divorce shattering at the same time.  My equilibrium was uprooted in a way that few could ever understand and now, even when I return for a few minutes, to pay my respects to a person, I come home and face the sense of shattering again.   And I cope again.

Getting a weave

In beauty shop getting a weave, not the usual, not feeling good, raining outside !  C'mon world, get with it, today!

What is a religious experience like?

A Facebook friend wrote this week that she was touring the Amsterdam museum this week and likened it to a religious experience.  I found that line fascinating and looked it up;  "Religious experiences can be characterized generally as experiences that seem to the person having them to be of some objective reality and to have some religious import."   The concept is vague and there are many experiences that might fall into this category, depending on one's personal definition.   Most people have trouble thinking about religious experiences taken out of the context of a religious structure or setting.

So what do I put into this category for me.  If anything!  Removing the church buildings itself from this category!  I find it in the music of the old hymns--I despise the stuff they bring in now and find it stifling to my religious experience --but I can hear the hymns and an organ and I feel an interior joy and peace.  I can find religious experience in the simple kindness of others and courtesy because I try to continue to live in Christian traditions of "Do unto others..."    I find peace and joy as I watch all around me cope with physical problems and they press on...not looking back!

I find peace in living each day that God gives me!  Van Gogh Art Museum

A trip to Anna, Illinois

Last night Joan Gohn, Judy Brown and I went to Anna to have dinner at the Brick House.  (Later, I found out that two girls from East Prairie own it).   We laughed and enjoyed the evening thoroughly and caught up with all the gossip.  It was nice to ride over and see the water on the road and laugh and talk.  I don't know how people live without their friends.   I hope I never find out!

Joan hates for me to take photos and put them on FB.  But here's to you, Joan, my long-time friend and fellow world traveler.  Since you have a birthday on Monday, here's to you.

When the storms of life are raging, stand by me!

And the storms of life raged last night!  Jordan Lowry was out spotting and I was hiding my eyes to the lightning.  I learned to fear storms when I was a child and I am still a devout coward.   I respect their power!  And I don't want to see them or be out in them.

Hallelujah, it is a better, clearer day!  But I remember last night!  I walked around the house, peeking out windows, and sang the song that Arthur Nelson sang when he did revivals for Daddy:   When the storms of life are raging, stand by me!

An athletic supporter I am, I am !

Greg brune and I joined other supporters at Beef I Brady today and saw all kinds of people!   I took picture of Greg Brune and Anne Hayes !  Laughed and laughed!

I like athletes and like to be around them! But I am a physical flop!  Greg is a great athlete!

Preacher is not here!

I grew up in Charleston watching Preacher plant flowers for Mama and she loved flowers!   I do too but I hire Carel from the greenhouse and she brings the plants and does it!  I sit out in a rocking chair and wave at people!

Good call -- no dirty hands or clothes

and my yard is best looking yard on street!   I can now pick what roles I want to play and gardener is not one of them!

April Fool's Day

We loved April Fools Day at our house growing up.   We called each other a Fool all day --my brother, Jim, and I did.  Not in front of Daddy who thought it was a cruel word.  That is how we meant it!   But the next day, I took revenge by being the first to say to Jim, "April Fools has already passed; you're the biggest fool at last."   Like i said, such wonderful memories.