Fight or Flight

In spite of being born into a family where the family patterns of fighting were already heavily  established  by older siblings, it did not come naturally to me and it did not come naturally to some of the other siblings.  It did not come naturally to our parents, either so we all had to deal with patterns that had been set and preserved by older siblings.   Daddy was in the business of building churches; and Mama was in the business of taking care of babies.  .  Neither of the parents had the forethought to stop the pattern which prevailed. Neither did the high-tempered siblings that put it into action.   My Uncle Skeet once said to me that "Allen and May spoiled their first two children worse than any parents he ever knew --Allen spoiled Autry and May spoiled Velna.  It still shocks me today that he said it to me when I was grown. And he adored Daddy!

But the high-tempered older siblings had no idea that they would be contributing to the long-term destiny of a family;  they were, in their minds, standing their ground.   For all the rest of us, we had a choice:  Fight or flight.  It was not a simple choice because there is a third avenue of cop=out:  Talk the situation to death behind closed doors to any willing listener but just don't confront the whole family around a dinner table.  This would never have happened because, as I have said before, Daddy liked his people to get along....and this did not mean dealing openly with feelings of hostility. And we would never have gone to family counseling even if we had been rich;   pastors were the "poor man's psychiatrist", and he was the pastor who counseled others about being good parents and having good children.

As I was growing up, I set my own standards for survival.  I hated the bickering and screaming and so I avoided the fighting by taking flights.  I did not remove myself entirely from the fight;  I just  flew from one person to the other, taking their side and then running to another to take their side.  If this person did not have a side, we talked about the last temper fit of a sibling and how it affected the person for whom it was aimed. 

This fight or flight reaction can become a marked physical response.  We think we either have to fight back or escape, mentally or physically.  One of my sisters played the piano. (No wonder she is a wonderful musician!)    Fight or flight  are both poor choices and self-limiting.  Luskin says this type of response "alters our ability to think".  That is so true.  I have endured shouting matches and, instead of thinking it through, my first response was "How do I get out of this situation still alive!"   Then I would find someone (friend or sibling) and live to tell about it all.   There became a division of groups:  the fight group and the flight group. in our family.

I say all this not as criticism but as possible explanation for my conduct and the continued conduct of a family.   I run from fights, still.  I will do most anything to avoid them.   I have sisters who are too tired to fight and sisters who avoid all the rest of us.   Our children divide off to show some support to their mothers;  but they have no clue what to do or say because they have no background for the whys of it all.   Why do I write these thoughts down!   I have to.   I lived through it.

Besides, I might not remember it tomorrow.  My brain may take its own flight or I may be in a physical fight of my own.