Renting out too much space

Dr Luskin tells the story of Marilyn, in his book FORGETTING FOR GOOD, whose husband cheated on her, humiliated her and she carried around this baggage for years and years.  I identify with her in theory but not in practice.  The author says that she "chronically re-creates her sense of injustice."   It's easy to fall into that pattern and it's easy to revert back to the practice on a moment's notice.  I have been divorced for twenty years and last week I sat downtown and went over many of the gory details again.   The trouble was that I still felt like I was getting him back for his betrayal.

He has rented out way too much space in my life, in my conversation and in my brain,  And the truth is I don't really think that Bill Stacy set out to hurt me;   I think he became involved in some webs of circumstances and I was the easiest "fall guy" who could buy him some time.  But the hurt was too intense and lasting to act like it was not piercing to my soul.  And, I was determined, that he, too, would know a sense of my pain.  And I did so and, in some ways, continue to do so.   I take a few steps forward but I will never allow him to occupy my brain.

But how has this hurt changed me!  I have less trust in men or women.  I check people out more to be sure that they don't play another game behind my back and it keeps me from being honest with my children on this particular subject  --I can't tell them what I really feel about their father at times--and they have to play the same shill game with me.  When I make some progress, and mention him in a book I have written, I want them to know that this was hard as hell for me and not something that I did on the spur of the moment.  Divorce does not happen to two people on one particular court date;  it happens to a family, an extended family and may last a lifetime.   The innocent bystanders are affected for no reason except the ties of love.

I wish I had handled it better but I was too heart-punctured to the point of being comatose.  What can I do now -"-quit renting out the best part of your mind to him"?   Let him go without wrapping my anger and contempt around him!  Find moments when I can remember our relationship for what it truly was --a collaborative love which brought us security together, three children, an outstanding professional career and a family.   Do I regret any of those things?  Absolutely not!  

Then quit fretting about renting out the garage!  The main house is still intact!  And there is no need to dwell on the dwelling with regret on a permanent basis!