Forgive For Good

I remember my dad saying often when one of his children lost his/her temper, "I like my people to get along".  Well, Daddy, you would not be happy with us today because no one in the family gets along with everyone!   There are many reasons  -and there are really no legitimate reasons.   We have had deaths, alienations, jealousies, money anger, and on and on.   The ones I talk to are all the same--we all wish that it had never come to this, and this one is responsible because she did not show concern as proper, or this one did not show appreciation as proper.   I am as guilty as the next one because I have tried to help and it made it worse.  But I am one of the only :lst generation" who gives a "rat's ass" whether the family is in chaos or not.  And that makes me stand out in the fray.  It also makes me want to throw up about the fray every time I think of it.

So I'm reading and searching for sources.   I am 74 and I don't want to leave this world of family with my children resenting the way I was treated forever;  I want them to keep the sense of family that they once had.  Our children grew up together.  Now they are far apart.  There was a time when we knew about family unity --when Daddy died, when Warren was elected Governor, when Bill and I got a divorce, on and on --these circumstances brought out the best of what a family does and does not do.

A friend of mine said to me, "Your family is just crazy!" and I agreed but I should not have agreed.  My family is broken and those who care have no clue how to fix it so it is easier to just go on.  But, time is running out for the older generation and there will be no time to "do it over".   I want my children to have a sense of family;  not to remember the meanness of the family and the stifling unforgiveness.  I do not want a legacy of anger to follow the Cooper lineage.  Mama and Daddy deserve better.  I deserve better.  So do Autry, Velna, Julia, Betty, Jennie, Jim and Rose Marie.

Dr. Luskin writes:  "You forgive by challenging the rigid rules you have for other people's behavior and by focusing your attention on the good things in your life as opposed to the bad."   I agree that this is a first step but it is only a first step.   When I do not face the Charleston family mess, I can easily go on with my life.  I have wonderful children and wonderful friends who love and care for me.  I can laugh and enjoy life but when I come home at night and think of the past, it all comes back to me.    My friend, Bev Hickam, said to me this week, "Jane, I want you back like you used to be before this sadness of family came into your life.  It is always close to the top of every conversation with me."    Thanks, Bev, for reminding me what this has taken out of me and that there is a better way and we have to find it!  Or die trying!