Luskin writes: "When we blame another person for how we feel, we grant them the power to regulate our emotions. In all likelihood this power will not be used wisely, and we will continue to suffer. The number of people who give power over to those who did not care about them is shockingly high. Feeling bad every time we think of the person who has hurt us becomes a habit and leads us to feel like the victim of someone more powerful."
This morning I read this passage to Debbie, who does my hair, and Meleia, who is my secretary. Both talked about the people in their lives who have hurt them because they have been so hurt themselves. Both of them talked about the struggle to rise above all this and find a path to walk on that did not include blame or anger. But I noticed that there was no hesitation to say the name of the person who had harmed them along the way. It was elevated but not forgotten. In both cases, it seemed not to be intentionally forgotten so that they would remember and not let it happen again. In each case, they were giving away the power of that person to hurt them, but filing away the memory of that old hurt.
The author points out that there is great danger in giving people who have hurt you the power over you. To me, that necessitates remembering. I have a saying, "Screw me twice, that is my fault." So how do you live your life so that you can heal and move on. There are two parts to that cure. If you move away from them and the situation, and let the hurt fester, you have not healed; you have just moved on. Real healing, to me, involves looking at the situation realistically and from all angles and making a peace with it that you can live with.
Families have hurts. None of us are perfect in everyone's eyes. There are secrets in families that people want kept forever. We had alcoholism in our family and it was a scandal we tried, unsuccessfully to keep hidden. I have never met one family who did not have their own lion's share of secrets. Some of these secrets are far more common place today and some of today's problems would have knocked the socks off the past generation. But real healing means sizing up the situation from your vantage point, acknowledging your short-comings and those of the person we think badly of, offering possible solutions, giving up the pain and the power just as you would release a balloon into the air, and then going on your way. Every day that you release the balloon, it is a small miracle!
The author says, "Forgiveness is the key to unlocking the door to let you out." So is releasing the imaginary balloon. Watch and rejoice!
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